The twenty-second day of advent is a day that will be remembered as the darkest day in the history of the North Pole. For today is the day that Claus the Merciless brings his full power to bear on the rebels.
Battle engulfs the entire front line. Elf fights elf, reindeer grapples reindeer. Weaponised Christmas Puddings fly through the air, bubbling brandy-fuelled fireballs that set vast swathes of defensive wrapping paper alight. Baubles crunch under foot. Many combatants are so thoroughly entangled in the vast stretches of sellotape and ribbon that all they can do is watch the carnage.
The fight rages from dawn to dusk, the battle ebbing and flowing, neither side winning, both sides losing. As night falls, Santa surveys the desolation his war has brought to the North Pole. Broken toys and smashed candy canes are everywhere. The air is thick with the smell of ham that has been left out too long and has gone slightly off.
‘You have done this, Rudolf,’ he says. Only Mrs Claus hears him. ‘You have destroyed Christmas…’
*
You know what Santa needs to put an end to the Rudolfite rebellion, don’t you? Yes, a monkey with a gun, in a fighter plane!
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