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The Rebellion Advent Calendar: Day Nineteen

Six days to Christmas and Mrs Claus has pulled off her masterstroke. All around the Claus compound there are sleeping elves. Santa has been in bed for thirteen hours straight. Nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. It’s amazing what can be achieved with a little sleeping powder-laced sherry.

She creeps to the gate and peeks out. She sees the devastation the Santa War has wrought on the North Pole for the first time. No Elf’s Land is a mess of spent streamers, broken candy canes and unexploded baubles.

She blinks back the tears. Her resolve stiffens.

‘Rudolf,’ she says. ‘I must find Rudolf.’

She pulls up her voluminous red scarf and heads out into No Elf’s Land. Behind her, only the snoring of Claus the Sleepy can be heard, rumbling across the compound…

*

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The Rebellion Advent Calendar: Day Seventeen

On the seventeenth day of December, the year of our lord 2015, The Santa Wars takes a turn for the bizarre.

Rudolf, the rebel leader, charges the Claus compound with his most trusted reindeer lieutenants. A huge shadow looms over Santa’s home, and as they approach they see it is a Christmas cracker roughly the size of an articulated lorry.

Years of Yuletide conditioning kick in. The reindeer split into teams and heave on each end of the cracker, desperate to win the prize within, to tell the joke, to don what they can only assume must be a giant paper crown.

They pull, and they pull, and they pull…

And there is a mighty explosion. The reindeer are thrown clear of the compound, their attack thwarted. An enormous screwdriver set buries itself in the snow, missing Rudolf’s iconic red nose by millimetres.

A familiar sound booms out from the compound.

‘HO. HO. HO.’

*

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