Monkey VS Multiverse
21st January 2015
As news of Ack-Ack’s presence this at Solaris Towers spread we found ourselves briefly in the spot light of the world’s scientific press, we did what any self-respecting publisher would do: subtly put out the word we were totally open for bribes to grant one twenty-minute interview slot with the monkey to pick his brain about his real-world experience with quantum physics.
Sadly the monkey’s reputation preceded him and we received two offers: a fruit basket (what were you thinking Hawkins?) and a bottle of Sainsbury’s second cheapest own-brand rum from Professor Stewart Hotston.
It’s with great pleasure we therefore introduce Professor Hotson in conversation with Ack-Ack-Macaque:
SH: Tell me how your species solved the non-locality problems involved in moving between worlds – especially with reference to Bell’s
AAM: To be honest with you, we stole the engines. We don’t know how they work. But then, I don’t know how a Spitfire’s engine works either, and I’m still happy to fly one.
SH: Can we then assume that all worlds exist within the same quantum field?
AAM: Sure, why not? I certainly seem to spend a lot of time in fields, mostly running away from tanks.
SH: Do your engines displace excess matter (or should I say energy) so that different universes don’t breech the 1st law of thermodynamics?
AAM: Damned if I know. They certainly use a lot of energy and make a lot of noise. Lots of static electricity too. You should see what it does to me, with all my hair standing on end. I look like a loveable plush toy.
SH: Aren’t you scared you’re going to destroy the universe?
AAM: Heh, heh, heh.
SH: Who’s your most famous physicist?
AAM: That fellow with all the white hair who was in Back To the Future. Albert Frankenstein. He invented atomic bombs and gull-wing doors.
SH: What would you say to kids who want to become scientists so that they can follow in your footsteps?
AAM: If you know what you want to do with your life, go ahead and do it. Don’t wait for anyone to give you permission. Don’t take crap from people who don’t believe in you. Find out what you need to do to achieve your goal, and then go out there and do it. Take life by the throat and shake it until all the good stuff falls out of its pockets.
SH: If all worlds are part of a universal aggregation of continuous but non-co-extensive wave functions how do you know that our destiny isn’t to be part of a hivemind?
AAM: I don’t know about you, sunshine, but my destiny is whatever the hell I say it is. No universal aggressor’s going to tell me what to think. And besides, I’d never be part of a hivemind that wanted someone like me as a member.
SH: Why aren’t you susceptible to germs in other worlds to which you have no defences? Is there an inter-dimensional version of small pox?
AAM: I try not to get too touchy-feely with people I meet, although I did pick up a nasty case of fleas on one of the worlds we visited. Tough little buggers. They appear to be resistant to all brands of flea spray. Fortunately, there’s so much alcohol sloshing around in my blood, every time they take a bite they get woozy and fall off.
SH: Are you, you everywhere?
AAM: I’ve met other versions of myself on other parallel worlds. In fact, I’ve recruited most of them into my monkey army. Sure, there are differences between us, but we share all the most important stuff: an inability to play nice with others, a healthy disrespect for authority, and a penchant for making big things go boom. That said, most of them are assholes. I’ve yet to find one half as awesome as me.
SH: If there are an infinite number of universes then there are an infinite number of universes identical to this one – so how come you keep finding ones with significant differences?
AAM: Wow, you’re seriously bending my brain banana. Infinite worlds? That’s more than like… ten, right? That’s like a whole endless playground. So much scope for havoc.
I can’t hang around here all day answering damn crazy questions. I’ve got trouble to cause, and in infinite number of places to cause it!
About
Stewart Hotston is not a dimension hopping monkey. He is a physicist who made that leap to becoming a master of the universe. When he’s not inventing money out of thin air he’s currently a grand vizier in a fest live action role play, a swordsman who’s actually read his Agrippa and a writer. He’s written more than a dozen short stories including Haecceity in Ian Whates’ La Femme anthology, Love is Stronger in Matthew Sylvestesr’s Stille Untoten and All You Can Eat in Theresa Derwin’s The Last Diner. He is currently working on a longer work called The Fox’s Hope, a story about a world where all myths are true.
Ack Ack Macaque is the star of the award-winning trilogy and the kind of monkey your mother warned you about.