How to recruit a monkey army
19th January 2015
How to recruit a monkey army.
By Ack-Ack Macaque
Hello humans.
The top brass at Solaris asked me to make a list of famous primates I’d like to recruit into my monkey army.
I told them to fuck off, but they insisted.
So, under pain of having my bananas confiscated, here it is: my list of the baddest, hairiest knuckle-draggers ever to shamble across the face of this sorry planet.
1) King Kong – The granddaddy of us all. He punched out a hungry T-rex, for heaven’s sake. Then he trashed New York, and even went on to fight Godzilla. Plus, he can take a dump the size of a school bus, which is both disgusting and awesome. If he could only keep his mind on the task at hand, instead of on the ladies, he’d make a formidable ally. [Note to self: keep him away from skyscrapers].
2) Six-Gun Gorilla – Recently revived by Judge Dredd writer Simon Spurrier and artist Jeff Stokely, Six-Gun Gorilla stalks the Wild West badlands of a planet named Blister. He’s a bio-modified badass with a pair of enormous revolvers – in that respect, he’s a lot like me. I think we’d make a great team – if we don’t try to kill each other first.
3) Caesar – The chimpanzee responsible for kick-starting The Planet Of The Apes. Like me, he began his life in a laboratory; but he soon busted out and began to recruit other primates. The next thing you know, he’s started an insurgency that threatens the survival of the human race. I figure any chimp capable of that has to be worth having on my side – although, I’d have to keep a close eye on him. I don’t want him thinking he can take over, just because he’s got all the brains.
4) Titano – In the Superman comics, Titano was a normal ape until he became exposed to space radiation. He returned to Earth as an intelligent monster with the ability to shoot Kryptonite rays from his eyes – making him more than a match for Kal-El. Being able to zap superheroes with your eyes is a neat trick, and bound to come in handy. Welcome aboard, big fella.
5) Sun Wukong – In the classical Chinese novel, Journey To The West, Sun Wukong acquires supernatural powers and leads a rebellion against Heaven itself. He can leap great distances, command the wind, and hold his own against gods and demons. He is the monkey king, and no assemblage of fictional monkeys would be complete without him.
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